Enter : the Pathetic

SNOW PATROL----------------RUN-------------------

Sun, 05 Jul 2009 00:09:45 GMT

I'll sing it one last time for you
Then we really have to go
You've been the only thing that's right
In all I've done

And I can barely look at you
But every single time I do
I know we'll make it anywhere
Away from here

Light up, light up
As if you have a choice
Even if you cannot hear my voice
I'll be right beside you dear

Louder louder
And we'll run for our lives
I can hardly speak I understand
Why you can't raise your voice to say

To think I might not see those eyes
Makes it so hard not to cry
And as we say our long goodbye
I nearly do

Light up...

Slower slower
We don't have time for that
All I want is to find an easier way
To get out of our little heads

Have heart my dear
We're bound to be afraid
Even if it's just for a few days
Making up for all this mess

HAPPY FLAG DAY

Sun, 14 Jun 2009 13:20:14 GMT

well, here i am again
another Flag day
i never work on Flag day,
but it is so lonely on days like today.
its only me against the world.
usually i like being alone
but i think i figured out why.
when i work, we travedl all over. see things out my window, see ppl, see events goin on.
im not a part of them, im a spectator.
im not a real person.
i just like to be alone. hide in my house. or am i just scared.
i LOVED Becky but i am afraid of the world.
she wanted to go out and be a part of the world. go places , see things, it was all such an effort for me when i tried,.
i hardly tried.,
i kept her inside like Nora in the Bell Jar.
but i kept myself there too.,
hiding with her from this world.
not fair to her.
me? what do i do? my friends drag me out sometimes. mostly to a movie, its dark in those theatres, i hide.
during work, i just fake it screaming in my head to get back home,when im here it is safe but it is also nothing here neither.
i sometimes i think i would like to find someone new, but a new person would want to do things too.
i lost interest in life. i used to be afraid i was suicidal, but i know that is wrong., instead i shut down and died in my own way.

and i dunno what changed me, i used to be so alive.
happy flag day.,
i cannot belive im gonna treat this day as any other. i wished it was different.

well

Mon, 18 May 2009 02:50:29 GMT

i havent posted in a while.
i dunno what to say.
2 months with no cigs, no cheating, not even a patch

second person

Sun, 05 Apr 2009 22:10:38 GMT

I got a friend into myspace music.
he recommended SECOND PERSON
i gave it a try.
i kinda like it.
im not into girl bands ( cause it feels awkward if i find myself accidently singin along) but they were good.

this phobia stemmed from my mom liking Whitney Houston as a child and finding her son singing "im every woman"
I hate myself.

Dear Nicole

Fri, 03 Apr 2009 22:01:24 GMT

forgive the rudeness, i haven't had a cig in almost a week and that gets me irritable............

thank you for what you tried to do for me. its hard to tell if u were sincerely trying to help me cause this was all done in texts and type (emails)
but i give u the benefit of the doubt that you were in fact not just fucking with me. rhode islanders can be assholes. i am an example.
thank u for trying to get me a phone.....

alas i must refuse.
for a 2 year old to throw my new phone against a wall? the scratches would be the least of my worries. if i wanted a used phone, i got one, i just need the sim card. my phone is a few years old and not as cool as the one u got me that might or might not have something wrong with it now, but i never abused it.,

what the fuck was it doing out of the box anyway?
hell, i don't even want to know. im at the point where the best excuse....i would just not believe it.
im in a catch 22 here. the way we wet back and forth with this is bad. it puts me in a situation where you could very well plausably think that i was fucking with u and never had any intent to actually go and get the phone.
I realize that it can look like that. but that would mean that the fact that im so angry right now could also be construed as "all an act"
which it is not. but u only have my word on that..
im trying not to be mad., i sent u two emails today regarding this but they came back postmaster delivery failure. im glad. they were mean. i was mad. i am mad.

now im at a cross roads, i want to offer advice to remedy the situaltion but if u read down this far, why would u still want to help a jerk like me ge a new phone?

i would have said, we could return that phone, 30 day guarantee or whatever thier deal is.
if they refused cause it is broken now, there are ways around that too.
i had a plan. i had two plans to take that back and get a new phone and leave it in the fucking box. i chose instead to vent my frustration.i know u got a kid living with u or something. i know u got dogs. pets. lots of ways it could get chewed or damaged. but i thought u were able to take care of it for me for a week. im sure u have nice stuff undamaged. i hate kids. i dont know that kid.maybe if i did, i would be like.....compassionate? fuck it. i know u got a good heart and try to help people. i dont deserve your help., i would have never been late paying, it was a chance to prove myself a good friend. but now we will never know.
im the kind of asshole who cannot go to a movie theatre if i know im gonna miss the previews. i wanna be early, waiting in the dark. i dont want to walk in and see credits starting. it bugs me so fucking much. taking on a phone with a bad start like that ? it seems so similar to me to the previews thing.

i have to refuse. i do appreciate it in my own weird way. if i was a better person......but im not. im a dick who will never understand why i should pay money for something that doesnt at least start out perfect. shit, i could lose the damn thing in an hour and be a moron, im sure it happens every day to people. they lose thier cell phones, but at least they got received it right. and im the kind of dick who will never understand why you would think i would want a phone that a kid threw against a wall. why it would be ok to tell me that? shit, u shoulda lied to me, society says lying is wrong. this is a good example of a time where it is not. it must be so damaged i would notice. right?

ah well. its a situation where both of us had good intentions and neither of us will believe that anymore. at least i think it was like that.
sure, im mean, im blaming lack of cigs that is no excuse, but i almost died today trying to drive with no windshield wipers. im gonna try to save up for them so i dont die. at least my money is going toward that. so no new phones for kenny, no more cigs, gotta save money to save my life.

i liek april fools dAY

Thu, 02 Apr 2009 01:47:31 GMT

Word of the Day for Wednesday, April 1, 2009

jape \JAYP\, noun, verb:

1. A joke or jest.
2. A trick or prank.
3. To joke; to jest.
4. To make fun of; to mock.

wanna get rich?

Tue, 31 Mar 2009 12:12:20 GMT

I had a dream of a new invention...

A website where employers post the schedules of workers.
Everyone from McDonalds to Metlife would join ( for a nominal fee) and people who are absent minded like myself can log in and check exactly what time they are working.

Plus there could be a section for updates and news that could show employees if there are any delays due to weather.....heck, why not even involve schools and their schedules even if they dont change.at least u could see school delays...

never knew this

Sun, 29 Mar 2009 14:17:04 GMT

Word of the Day for Sunday, March 29, 2009

osculation \os-kyuh-LAY-shuhn\, noun:

The act of kissing; also: a kiss.

TONIGHT

Sun, 22 Mar 2009 22:58:51 GMT

tonight is the USA premier of THE COLOUR OF MAGIC !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

opinions wanted::

Fri, 20 Mar 2009 00:33:52 GMT

How is this for a new idea for a story.....

An elite team that hunts Vampire Hunters.
Thats never been done before.

This team is the best of the best
They are brilliant and rescourceful

They do not want to actually BE Vampires because that would limit them to the restrictions, cant hunt during daytime...etc

They are the Vampires best asset.
Its time the Vampires fought fire with fire...humans.
Too long have they been hunted

( I like this idea, i just wish i was a better writer so I could 'pull it off'')

Fuck Netflicks

Wed, 18 Mar 2009 01:54:21 GMT

I went to netflicks and blockbuster . com and checked out the movies out that i want to see.
then i went to the library website and ordered them all for free.

sure it takes a while for them to come in, but did i mention free?

man i am rescourceful, even if i can't spell rescourceful......i guessed .

and i applied at like 30 jobs today. I love this laptop.
I still have my job but barely. i could go to my first posts i ever made on this thing years ago and im sure i would find something similiar. im always just barely holding on to a job. im done fighting it. this is me. a job dancer. one to the next.

having internet is scary

Sun, 15 Mar 2009 21:35:30 GMT

I downloaded WORLD OF KUNG FU
and i can't stop playing it. how the hell did i get to lvl 20 in one day? even now, even when the computer is off, im still technically building levels.....its soooooooooooo addicting. im scared. I lost a few ears of my life to EVERQUEST and as a result, i am a 30 something person who acts immature....wtf am i saying, i always been immature.

but i digress......i wanna add people to faceboook. im addicted there as well. im at the point where if the name seems vaguely familiar, im adding them. crazy. wrong, i know.

and i still exercise every day, cant let the fact that i got online finally after over a year to make me a pudgeminister again.
its just, im phoning it it. im doing it to get it done so i can play.,
ive had online one week now and im already getting bored with facebook. what else is there to do?? i used to buy crap upon crap on ebay, but im too broke for that shit. not that i dont still do it once a week, man im contradictory.

thats all i got to say today

what the fuck

Wed, 11 Mar 2009 21:17:01 GMT

check out this fucked up shit

i get out of work and dress up to go on an interview.
even as i dress in a silly suit, i wonder why im going.
i know, no- i KNOW this is a FAKE JOB,
it can't be real. it screams of scam
but i put the suit on .
stupid.
i get off exit 2 from 295 and some lady stops completely at the yeild sign,.
not at all illegal, but still.
i stop too. then im focusing ona break in traffic. when one comes, she starts going, then she stops again. and yeah.
like a fucking idiot, i hit her.
not hard or fast. but my little love tap will cost me.
so she gets my info.
and says she has to report it.

fine. i have insurance.

but if i get into a fender bender even outside of work, i get fired.
because I am a driver.

and so, im left hoping she wont report it, but she will.
my life is fucked up.

---------
oh AND I SAID SCREW TO THE INTERVIEW, LIKE I SHOULDA DONE IN THE FIRST PLACE.

tomorrow

Tue, 10 Mar 2009 04:32:38 GMT

tomorrow i will b fired
even if by some luck, i wont be, i need to look for another job soon.
im done.
last straw.
i woulda quit myself but the economy is nasty
i wont find a job. any job. i would take any job
but will i be able to find one?
im scared
i fucked up
im so depressed
so i got drunk
and that is never a good solution

spring cleaning

Sun, 08 Mar 2009 17:05:23 GMT

i threw away everything.
fuck it.
i will rebuy whatever i need someday
i feel lighter. how weird.

metaphoric?

yay, im back, LJ !!!!
ive missed u so much , diary.

hi

Sun, 08 Mar 2009 02:10:37 GMT

today i got online again.
wow. weird
strange day
got to see alot o people i missed
well, talked to online i mean.
im drunk

i stil havent seen watchmen even though i been a fan since the books came out.

i cant wait to see it.

sorry

Wed, 18 Feb 2009 21:48:09 GMT

I havent been on this thing in a long time.

but i got news.

DEATH NOTE 1 AND 2
ARE THE MOST AWESOME MOVIES IVE EVER SEEN.
IF U get a chance , check them out.
I love them.

ok, i guess i dont have news.
im starting to like facebook more than here or myspace.

im back

Sun, 08 Feb 2009 06:06:32 GMT

well, i joined FALUN GONG.
im also an armed guard now.
im the last person in the word who should be entrusted with a gun.
also, im drunk right now, using my first ex fiance's computer to write this at her work.

so
well
im such an asshole an all but at least i can remain friends with my exes.

here is my new life ,quickly

Tue, 30 Dec 2008 22:47:36 GMT

I work every single day now
at least 10 hours a day.
2 jobs.
hate them both

I AM A ARMORED TRUCK DRIVER NOW.
yay -i get a gun. soon. someday......not quite yet.

I still work at the State Mental Hospital or as I call it....the nuthouse.....wait, thats what i call my house.
I fell asleep once there. asleep in an insane asylum. very strange.

my new job sucks. there was a guy this morning screaming and swearing about something.
it turned out to be because of me.
he didnt wanna drive with the new guy.
me.
fuck him.
i didnt get us killed.
I dont need that. he was so mad, he was gonna quit.
i didnt say nothing---he is ARMED !!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
later though, i told everyone we 'hugged it out'
heehee

HAPPY NEW YEAR/
IM GOING TO MY SISTER'S HOUSE. SH EIS HAVING A BIG PARTY. SHE MADE ME GO WITH HER TO PICK ( oops,.caps still)
to pick up some MIDGET PORN. she always wanted it to be just kinda playing in the background at one of her parties.
It will be funny. I hope.

xmas

Tue, 23 Dec 2008 18:21:32 GMT

yay
tomorrow i start a new job.
thats my xmas gift.
also, i still have the old job ( i think)
I actually found a job while keeping the other job ( i think)
without quitting and then desperately looking for another job.
first time doing that.
and this one pays more.
so in an economy where people are in such need of a job....i got 2.
i hope it all works out.
wish i haven't been so mean lately, probably lack of nicotine
but today is my 4th week not smoking. my 29th day actually
and i haven't cheated once. this is it, i'm really gonna do it this time,

thats it for me. finally an xmas where i don't wanna kill the world.
hope u all have a good one too

i need to vent

Mon, 15 Dec 2008 16:06:48 GMT

im so sick of the nightmares
i know some were from leaving the patch on, today it has been 3 weeks since i had a cig, but i took it off last night.
and had a horrible dream.
so vivid.
and Becky was in it. I haven't been with Becky in 2 years.
I threw it all away over some girl whose name usually escapes me
well, maybe i blamed it on that girl and was just scared to get married.
i dunno.
all i know is its 2 years and i still think about her every day, Becky-not the other girl i had a crush on
so there it is.
tormented over bad things i did with no sign of this ever stopping.
good thing im not a killer, my mind would have me turning myself in to the police in minutes.
it tortures me, and i hate this.
its like...i do mean things to people and regret them tenfold, but the only way to make it stop is to do more mean things.
so i treat people badly and i don't mean to.
its just .............the only way.
i don't know why.
maybe im just evil.
but not in the good way.
I am glad Becky is happy. I thought that would solve things, and it is a small comfort, but at this point, even if she has completely forgiven me , I cannot. How do you forgive yourself?
my mind is clearer without all the cigarrettes but im not liking what i see.
whats more scary is this.--im not a social person. I don't even know why i confess things on this site, maybe cause it probably wont be read, but i dont go out, i dont try to meet people online, i make excuses not to see my closest friends, im alone but........ I just want to be left alone. im not interested in anything anymore. I don't care. I stopped talking to that married girl which was the Right Thing To DO, but it has been a while and i feel bad but i have no desire or inclination to call. I dont know how i treated her or care if she is mad at me. iall i care about is Becky. how do i get over her? its been way too long for me to still feel this. she was the one and she is gone but that happens alot to people so now what do i do?

xmas gift question

Sun, 30 Nov 2008 19:59:29 GMT

I want to get my brother an electric guitar for xmas.
he is a lefty though.
he plays accoustic but knows how to play electric he just doesnt own one though,

i looked at a few places and am lost.
i need to get a semi decent one cause even though it will be his first, i know my brother won't upgrade so i might as well get him a good one to start. but i dont know what to get. i also don't know what else it needs to work. don't i need to get him an amp too?
i bought him a lil one once for his microphone and pick-up but i doubt that thing is good enough for an electric guitar.

----------------------
anyway, today is my 6th day without a cig.
not smoking makes me angry.
i got in an argument yesterday and the cops had to come.
it was embarrassing, but i have no time to tell that story. gotta go to work.
i didnt get arrested, i just looked like a fool.
but i was sick on top of the not smoking and i don't care.
im going to work now, sick as a dog.
i didnt crack and smoke a cig so if i got through that, maybe i can get through everything

secret

Sat, 15 Nov 2008 06:23:04 GMT

i was doing my rounds as a security guard and came accross this computer that has online.
blessed online
u take it for granted but i broke my computer and have no internet

so i snuck on to catch up a little.

im working this site here for the first time.
i am in pawtucket somewhere.
hope i don't get caught but they needed me
called me in last minute to work midnight to 6am

that sucks, i been awake since 7am

so if i get real bored, im sneaking back in here and using this to try to find a real job cause this job blows

Dream

Mon, 10 Nov 2008 19:05:11 GMT

last night i dreamed of ZOMBIES

well, some kind of zombies. me and like 5 other people were holed up in a shop while the entire rest of the world was zombies.
the only thing that could stop them was....................flashlights in thier faces.
it was sad.
they would attack, and we would shine our flashlights knowing that they were running low on batteries.
within the attacks, i would see people i knew....changed....zombified.
so sad.
in the end, the flashlight trick stopped working. they just became immune to it. maybe they never were allergic to it, maybe they were just scaring us before deciding to kill us. like dreams designed to come to some dramatic conclusion.

they broke in.
i tried to use the flashlight like a weapon to hit them with. one of them bit me.
a little bite. on the arm.
i was fucked.
i woke up thinking "why was i the first to die? weird"

my Obama story

Thu, 06 Nov 2008 15:22:51 GMT

we all got one.

first off.............YAYAYAYAYAYAY YAY

---------------------------

OK
I had to work security on the 4th. The facility i worked at doubled as a site to vote that day.
and after 9, the voting closed and they were able to see and share how the numbers went for that site.
outta 880 people, like 768 voted Obama
so that was awesome, but then i had no communication till i got out at midnight.
at midnight i went to WES'S RIBHOUSE to get something to eat.
i walked in and asked who won.
they thought i lived in a barn or something.
OBAMA had already won.
i was very happy.
on the way home, there were women in the streets shouting in joy and waving Flags in Olneyville.
it was very cool.

i spent the morning at different sites in Johnston passing out stickers to voters.
I am not political, i was there pushing for a new library in Johnston
cause if it didnt pass, then the old library would close
and im here and its the only way i can get online and talk to people
so im very glad that the library vote passed.

how could Johnston not have a library??
when Foster has 2????????
nuts.

well, it was fun seeing all the voters in my town and recognizing many of them.
i heard stories all day about people voting for the first time in their lives.
i heard shocking racial stuff and triumphant stories
i saw people taking pictures at the voting booths with thier kids to commemorate this day.

i love american history.
i love the Flag

it was very very fun