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|Friday, January 13th, 2012|
if i didnt want to go see Japan so badly, i would just fucking kill myself right now
i have had a million jobs and i will have a million more,
but there are some things i just wont do......and then they ask me or tell me to do them.....AND THEN I DO THEM!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!
what the fuck.
i got these lines i dont want to cross but i keep backing up and making new lines. where is my spine? all for a job i probably wont have by the end of the year according to my track record?
i will probably have 5 more by the end of the year
|Thursday, December 22nd, 2011|
last month i worked 1 job. 20 hours a week
now i got 2 new jobs, and work all the time. 60 or more hours a week.
last month i was broke
now i have money but no time to use it.
working any and every shift. changing shifts daily, split shifts , doubles....
no one to spend my money on...
no one to go out with if i even find the time....
either way im unhappy. either way i bitch and whine.
|Tuesday, November 29th, 2011|
4 days ago i had three jobs. now i quit one and one is a job as an alt if they need me. some weeks they dont. and my main new job sucks
my old job held my check, they usually mail it.
i was counting on that. now i got no money, no clean clothes. no food
no gas to get to work all week. i can borrow but that will set up a cycle where this will be perpetual. owing. getting paid, paying back, owing.
i could save money so shit like this doesnt happen again, but with all these things needed, it will take weeks or months before i can begin.
this new job has bancrupt me. i spent all my money on gas and it still wasnt enough. ive filled my car every day. the commute is too far. my job doesnt care, they said i can be reimbursed for some of the gas, but that too takes weeks. im a new hire. i did not have the funds to sustain the status quo until regular checks began to come in....
so i told them, and jeopardized my new job, put it on the line, which is dumb, because without them, if they fire me, there is no money coming in. and a new job , if i find one, will be another 2 weeks till checks come in. so yeah. i made some mistakes.
|Sunday, November 27th, 2011|
|Sunday, August 21st, 2011|
Without a struggle, there can be no progress."
— Frederick Douglass
|Tuesday, July 19th, 2011|
|so awesome i cant explain
but i will try
was reading a health book cause i got the bug again
so right there in chapter 2 i figured it all out....but first a tangent.
sarah, an ex of mine, showed her baby the constellations and when the kid asked what are constellations, she explained they are a group of stars and yadda yadda but then she told them her constellation was saggatarious -i cant spell it- whats that mean the kid asked. she said IT IS THE GROUP OF STARS THAT WERE IN THE SKY WHEN YOU WERE BORN.
wow. i kinda didnt know that. or if i did, i forgot. makes perfect sense but my drug rattled brain either forgot or never put that together. and it blew my mind......
and so did this:
chapter 2 said how to get your bmi.
it said bmi was good for measuring but not perfect.
then it said get your weight.
but your weight is even worse for measuring, cause u gotta weigh bones and muscle too.
they were trying to measure your health....
and it blew my mind.
they said the true test of your health is simple. exercise every day or at least regularly. that will mean u are being healthy. it said that having extra lbs of fat on your body ISNT NECESSARILY UNHEALTHY. its when u dont exercise. so.....i started reading between the lines.
i dont wanna me mr muscly. i just wanna be strong and healthy.
i really dont mind if i have some weight on me as long as it doesnt slow me down.
but i fixated on trying to get down to 200 or less
but if body fat isnt the cause of health issues, then all i have to do is exercise regularly and not worry about a scale.
im almost to my point.
without a scale to worry about, its all on me to keep track of what i do daily. which i do.
and without a scale to tell me that im worth a damn, its on me too.
so if im doing all i can today and yesterday and plan to tomorrow, there is no reason to not consider myself healthy.
and that means its time for me to stop delaying being confident in myself.
waiting for the scale to say 220 then 210 for me to build confidence when it doesnt matter.
maybe this is why some people are comfortable in thier own skin
they know it comes from within, not external.
ive been holding back, putting off being a man, putting off growing up because ive been trying to make a change and waiting to see results. waiting for somethin to happen.
jealous of chubby people with confidence. worried im just gonna be an insecure skinny guy if i pull it off and lose th eweight i wanna lose.
but now i dont need to even say i 'want to loose weight.' its not about how much i weigh. its about health. maybe thats why old people say crap like 'at least he has his health' but i cant think about that now. no more revalations. when i write it down it looks like common fucking sense but it is more than that to me. it is a begining for a whole new way for me to be thinking. no more putting myself down.
i need to....
shed my skin.
|Monday, July 11th, 2011|
i been averaging doing one really stupid thing every day lately
today was no exception.
this is only the most stupid of all the mistakes i made today
down to almost no clothes left
wore my shirt with holes in it to the laundromat
wore the underwear that is wayyyy too fucking tight.
i think it is from high school. its been 20 yrs since i was in high school
but i digresssssssssssssssssssssssss
i get home, now all my clothes are clean.
i want to get out of these tight underwear, but i hate to dirty a new clean pair since i havent taken my shower yet. it is like 10 in the morn and i got outta work at 8am
here is where i get a lil confused...i think....i think...
hey, before i shower, i want to exercise a lil more.
i can ride my bike today, it is so nice out.
so nice a day
yet so full of pain
i can deal with tight underwear for one day or a half day or whatever
but stupid me got on a bicycle in them. and im all kindsa hurting now and sore in places i cant even see anymore till i lose weight
shit i dunno if i can see those places even with a mirror
and it hurts bad, cause why?
cause i was too lazy to change my underwear but not too lazy to go for a bike ride that lasted over 45 mins? that doesnt make sense.
but here is the worst part.
because if i did things the right way, i woulda had to go through 3 pairs of underwear in one day and i just washed all my clothes. with this logic, that kinda makes sense in some way, i can see thi smistake happening again
meaning i wont learn from this mistake. because memories of pain fade. sad but true.
im so dumb. the solution is to buy more underwear. alot more. and the right size.
im writing this all down so i can look back at my stupidity someday
|Saturday, July 2nd, 2011|
i fucked up again.
i havent sabotaged myself in a while.
usually i would go into some mourning period and feel bad for myself, but maybe this time, i can just get back on the horsey thingy immediately.
otherwise, why the hell did i plan out my future in detail for the next 5 years?
i got plans.
why the hell am i my worst enemy? it was funny for a while but its not anymore.
|Friday, June 17th, 2011|
of my beautification
no more drooooogs.
no more soda. no more xtra xtra coffee
no more excuses not to exercise.
no more hurting from climbing a mere 3 flights o stairs just to get home. it isnt that bad but it is like hell if im carrying a 24pack of water bottles.
I dont understand how i could miss being healthy so much but be afraid to start again. i guess afraid to fail? but even when i was doing exercise every day last year, i was always afraid i would go to sleep and wake with no desire to ever exercise again.
which is kinda what happened.
thank goodness for all that cathilic school guilt.
let me tell u about the guilt.
the guilt drives me like no one else, i think. the torment.
every day i have certain things i have to do.
read at least 50 pages of a book. do something toward learning japanese.
listen to some music. do my computer stuff that i do daily. check my bank account even if i know exactly what it will say -and some other regiment stuff i cant remember right now. makes every day similar. standard. unrelenting. even when i went on vacations. i could never sit somewhere on a beach with a drink in hand and relax. im never really relaxed.
but i quit smoking . so i can quit drugs. and anything else i dont like about myself. i can do anything. i planned out a novel and wrote it and it took ten years. but i recite WHAT ABOUT BOB almost daily. -"baby steps. baby steps."
and i get there. and i will get to Japan too. my long term goal. im in no rush. i wouldnt know what to do after my japan trip. i would need a new long term goal. i might give up learning japanese altogether and do something new. maybe something similar. maybe learn French and plan to visit there. who knows. my spoiled selfish life is nice. so im not ruining it with drugs any more. no, i never had kids.i never had to worry about anyone else besides myself. i would not be good at it. this is all i know. if i tried to live my life th e'normal ' way, i would be one of those ppl who do it even tho they probably shouldnt.
|Tuesday, June 14th, 2011|
|i feel like writing.
Today is Flag Day.
last night, I was at the crossroads again and i think i screwed up.
i took the easy way.
i avoided hard adult stuff.
worse still, i think i did what i always do and let the decisions fall into place for me.
ok, i nudged it a bit in the direction i wanted.
either way, next time im depressed, i gotta remember i chose this.
and now that i wrote it a bit, im starting to think maybe i did the right thing.
i like it where no one gets hurt but me.
today could have been epic. memorable. but i escaped.
even from me.
|Thursday, June 9th, 2011|
the sun just came up, so i guess i will go for a walk.
i had 3 days off and i didnt do anything. I got a stack of movies i wanna see and i didnt even watch any of those. too lazy to sit around watching movies?
im getting pretty sick of always being broke. work sucks. hard to get through the week. and the job is so easy. ok so i got this hobby of learning japanese, but it has been about 5 years and i think i skipped maybe two days of learning something. I do it out of boredom. it takes any fun out of the hobby.
it is scary. I have no safety net. my roomate took me in and it is cheap rent. i would never be able to afford my own place. all my money goes toward cheap food and rent and gas and stupid car ins. it isnt hard to see the future. nothing is going to change. if anything, the flux of prices will only increase and the pay wont.
the big picture is scary. everything seems a lil scary. its been almost 2 years since i had a cig. i only quit cause they were expensive. didnt help me save money when i couldnt really have afforded them in the first place. maybe i can sue marlboro for why my credit score sucks. buying cigs took priority over paying bills.
now it looks like i may have to give up coffee.
my parents were right. i didnt know the value of a dollar. i wasted so much money. still do a little. they said i would want things someday. a house. kids.
i just turned 35 and it was weird. my dad said to me that he guesses im not gonna have any children. like he was sad about it. like that part of my life is over. now i can look forward to parts of my body starting to fail from old age? 35 sucks way worse than turning 30. or 31 , 32, etc.
better go for a walk. i multitask by listening to japanese lessens while i walk. its all getting pretty sickening.
|Monday, June 6th, 2011|
i feel like a bad person
full of bad memories.
there are good ones in there too, proud ones, but those are heavier than bad ones.
thats why the bad ones are always right at the surface. bothering me.
|Monday, May 23rd, 2011|
i dont understand this lj no more.
i can only see 2 people on my friend page and like , does that mean the 100 or so other ppl i had dropped me? also some chick i blocked's name comes up on my email when i get an email from this site. so weird, its like a bad hack job , so my home is fb to whine now. i will miss ya lj. it was theraputic but i have no strenght to go back and reread the foolish life ive led. maybe future generations will study us primative ppl by reading these LJs. maybe i will be someone's homework?
|Thursday, January 13th, 2011|
first in about 30 days
its 330 am and im not working for once
im drunk on good beer
watching THE TOWN
first time in a long time.
|Thursday, June 3rd, 2010|
|Saturday, May 15th, 2010|
|is this irony?
all i want is to throw in the towel.
i just want to give up.
i keep throwing my hands in the air and deciding to give up.
but i remain..
and all day today it seemed worse than usual.
i just went on facebook which i love/hate
and someone posted pics of a kid we all knew and loved, went to school with, and he killed himself.
so where i felt crappy all day, i wasnt going to do anything drastic
and then im reminded why
everyone misses him.
theres gotta be a way for me to be happy again
the world cant really suck this bad, i refuse to believe it.
|Saturday, May 1st, 2010|
|so here is how life sucks
i quit my job
they send me letters saying that if i do not bring back my uniforms, they are calling the cops. it has not even been 48 hours yet.
the attorney general says i have to return my gun permit in 72 hours or i go to jail.
the letter came in the regular mail in less than 24 hours. how come our own mail can't?
i got served by a sherriff to pay a credit card bill. a bill i cannot. i wonder if they can put me in jail?
i saw my ex girlfriend after 3 years and asked if she wanted to talk. she said no , she was busy, so i said ok and was sad cause we always used to talk for a few minutes if we bumped into each other. two days later, she joined facebook and i tried to add her. i only knew she made a facebook because her brother and sister are on my facebook. why was that so wrong? she called me and yelled at me about it. --she also mentioned that i was internet stalking her ? and that she wants a restraining order??? im sure she said these things because she was mad because--yes we had a bad break up but i havent seen her or called her in 3 years. im not internet stalking her, she doesnt even own a computer, or if she does, it has to be new.
so all this adds up to some silly shit. i see many paths leading to jail. i dont want to go to jail. even tho i hear u get free room and board, food, exercise oh and i think u even make money in jail.
now i need a job and i will never get one because my credit is messed up and my references are not great. nevermind that i worked there with a gun responsibly for almost 2 years. nevermind that i worked with millions of dollars and never tried to steal. honesty and responsibility don't matter, they want high fucking credit scores.
i would kill myself but i want to see how LOST ends.
all i touch goes wrong.
i see people 10 years younger than me and they got all thier shit together.
i really thought i was going to be like that. school was so fucking easy to me. I was bored as hell. i knew everything. now i know nothing.
|Friday, March 26th, 2010|
i dont care.
i am a bad person
i do bad things.
not illegal, but if judged by some all powerful god....i would fail.
i do many good things but they dont seem to outweigh the bad.
bad attitude, bad work ethic, bad with family and friends, bad bad bad
im even bad at being the 'bad boy' cause im a whole different kinda bad.
its getting so weird, like folding inward , a reverse flower bloom.
ive tried to be good, i tried to convince myself i am good.
my neighbor used to say i was wasting air for people who deserve it
said i was good for nothing....
before he died.
i wondered how he knew these things.
i never really talked to him.
is it my vibe?
or did what he said put it in my head? did i feel it before he said it?
rambling now. restless sleep. talking in my sleep, moaning in my sleep. can't stand it, its getting worse and worse every night, and I know that i can tolerate so much more so i just deal with it. and vent here. but i swear to fucking god....i feel like i am being haunted. i feel like i am at the point where seeing an apparation nightly still wouldnt make me feel liek i am losing my mind because im dealing with this kind of strangeness anyway and it feels liek it cant get much worse cause im so numb.
|Thursday, March 18th, 2010|
I erased my facebook.
i needed a break
i have an addictive personality.
but i havent had a cig in almost 6 months, not one cheat, not even a drag.
|Tuesday, March 2nd, 2010|
10 episodes left with a 2 hour season finale
is this the only thing keeping me alive?
first it was wanted, then watchmen, lame excuses to keep breathing.
now its aperfect circle song that says "whats the rush, everyone will get thier day to die'
so i wait.
yet all life seems drained away. i used to do things, used to go out. used to be in public.even when being in a CVS or Walmart felt like background for real peoples lives. background so they wouldnt get all weirded out by being the only ones in the store. the centers of the universe.....
i never go out, except to work. tomorrow i have to go to the dentist. everything seems so hard when i deter from the pattern i created. and that pattern sadly involves putting on my pjs for the night once i get home from work.most days. alot of days.
everythign else seems like a chore. learning new stuff seems almost impossible.
i will wait for death so as not to upset anyone, but i just dont see the difference if im not even really alive.
i know all the stuff too, like i should be grateful because billions of people have real problems and there is nothing wrong with me , i should be lucky. but it doesnt snap me out of it. this is my normal state. i could get active and exercise for a few weeks and feel alive again, but even looking back at that--i look like some high on life guy who is trying too hard to be alive and then fall back into this.
i know no other way, at least here in my house, hiding, i dont talk so much, less chance for me to say something stupid and embarrass myself and then torment myself over and over again remembering what i said or did.....
the only thing i cannot figure out is if i am giving up on life, shouldnt that eliminate some of my fear? i have NOTHING TO LOOSE. nothing . why cant i use that to my advantage and be who i want to be. NIN says "nothign can hurt me now, cause i dont care anymore...." why cant i use that? why does everything hurt all the time and nothing i can explain...